Can't make this stuff up

2006-05-08T14:53:00.000-04:00

BLAME BARRY?

As I jog through the book "Game of Shadows" I am saddened and disheartened. It is a tremendous read, with excellent information and accounts of Conte's BALCO empire and Bond's role in it. The term "Stable of Athletes" is most apt to desribe what Conte built. Unlike race horses though, each was complicit in their involvement with BALCO. So who is to blame for all this...sure Barry for using, Conte for supplying, Marion Jones for lying. Despite admissions of guilt, they are certainly guilty of a different crime, that of association.

Not too long ago, guilt by association was something looked at with more scrutiny. Some would reference McCarthy as a rebuttle to this action, however, I would infer that as being an extreme example at best. Simply put, guilt by association, is pivoting the microscope from the center to the peripheries, exposing the clandestine counterparts of the illegal operation. The mere implications of involvment used to elicit firm denials or convictions, now they form half-truths and omissions. Guilt by association used to lead to those "accomplices" disavowing their roles or at least "passing the buck" until it reached the top. BALCO is an intriguing scandal in that the associations came from the top down (Conte himself). However, as the dominos fell, admissions have been hard to come by.

So who is to blame...I think we are. We are a s ociety that allows stints in rehab as excuses for misbehavior that went unchecked until caught. We allow countless chances for people who have already been given nine lives. We make excuses for human frailty, enabling further dissolution of moral constitution. We do not hold ourselves up to each other's standards for fear of our own shortcomings. So therefore, we do no cry with outrage when a legislator parks his car into a streetlamp, a celebrity mows down a crowd of people, and an athlete fraudulently approaches a revered record. We focus our moral compasses on evidence, waiting for the ultimate peice of the puzzle (formerly the admission of guilt), now the plea for our forgiveness. And time and time again, we offer it up all too quickly, hoping someone in our troubled time, would do the same. WE ARE ENABLERS.

Well not me, not anymore. I will not sacrifice my moral convictions for a society of enablers. Barry Bonds, Patrick Kennedy, and others wouldn't do it for me. I need no guilty plea from Bonds, to recognize his career as a sham. He cheated. I would not tolerate cheating on a test, and I will not tolerate it by an athlete. Nor will I tolerate those naive media charlatans, who serve little purpose more than to enable the shadowing of our societal weakness of shame. I don't need Patrick Kennedy to tell me how sorry he is. Heck, I won't even vote for Teddy Kennedy because he was without the moral rectitude to recognize the neccessity of saving human life. However, we don't use our voices at the ballot box (All-Star, political, etc.). Instead we live in a perpetual "no shame parade". Nothing is enough to make someone resign without legal proceedings. Before, one would spare the embarassment of those around them for the sake of their own dignity, salvaging the wreckage with head held high. Now, they spare only themselves, allowing the burden of their transgressions to impact others, their heads still held high. It is for this reason that scandals like Enron have become symptomatic of our nations problems. Even in the most egregious offenses, those testifying for the guilty parties, feared prosecution for perjury. Perjury now serves as a means to bring to justice those minor pawns whose deceptions allowed the king to go free, at the hands of a jury suffering from an utter lack of moral right/wrong.

Look no further than the "no shame parade" and our willing complicity in it, next time Bonds hits a home run and the crowd roars, or a politician hits a Capitol policman. The will go free, and our lack of outrage, our disenfranchised moral decency, both collectively and individually, are the reasons. Barry Bonds depresses the needle for his fame and fortune, and we don't hold him accountable, expecting others instead to impugn his deceitful character. Evidence of deceit used to be enough. Hopefully it may be again. For right now, for me, the buck stops here.

2006-04-26T15:02:00.000-04:00

Thanks To Your Higher Being, Favre Will Play

I admire his courage and his competitive spirit, but I have to think Fox had something to do with. What would Jimmy Johnson and Terry Bradshaw do when then Packers go winless in the first four games other than say “All I know is this guy is a competitor. He hates to lose” or “Brett Favre is so tough. You can’t get to his toughness”. It’s almost as senseless as Paula Abdul’s ramblings on American Idol (another Fox show).

Why would Favre come back? He has much more to gain than to lose, and I for one won’t applaud it. What does he think? We can’t live without Brett Favre. Scheduling these press conferences is ridiculous. How about Green Bay schedule a press conference to announce they signed a marquee wideout or lineman? Either way it’s hard to get excited about Brett Favre coming back when you know that the Pack’s chance of winning a Super Bowl is slim. Sure you are in one of the worst leagues in football, but still, there will be no John Wayne ending here. John Wayne left town back in 2000, and he ain’t coming back. All we have left is a grizzled veteran, with a heart of gold, and an arm thats old.

REGGIE MAE

Is it too soon to talk about what kind of house Reggie is going to live in once he becomes the first player drafted. Probably, considering Reggie already bought his parents and brother a house with those locomotive legs. Apparently, before the 2005 Reggie signed a deal with New Era Marketing in the hopes of signing with their affiliated agent. First off, I know people that have named their business New Era, its not a great idea to try to pawn off the branding of the MLB hat maker for your own personal game. Why? Because there is only one New Era and their brand presence is strong, and your co-optation of it becomes amateur at best. Second, these two or three agents/marketers appear to have the combined intelligence of Jessica Simpson’s left breast.

So why did Reggie (allegedly, it should be noted) sign, putting in jeopardy all his teammates hard work and almost perfect season? Because a prize athlete of Bush’s caliber might be a needle in a hay stack, but its still surrounded by a bunch of hay. When the voices get loud enough the bad begins to look good and good begins to look bad. Maybe, when you are featured in every major sports publication in the US as a sophomore, things seem to become a little easier, temptation a bit greater. If it is true, he is guilty of a poor decision, I feign to think much worse. However, a major part of the blame must fall on the parents. When did this situation not present an ethical dilemma? Were these clowns so smooth that they duped the Bush family? I don’t think so.

Let’s face it. College sports isn’t that removed from the fiction of “Blue Chips” and “The Program”. It’s not too naïve to assume some parents ask for a new tractor (house) in exchange for the potential of their offspring. It happens with some coaches and I am sure to a larger extent with agents and marketers. The truth might not matter in this case, because Bush will be gone. But for all those left a USC in his wake, the truth may be all that’s left.

2006-04-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

’06 Sox

It’s been a big week for Charlie Sheen. Not only has it been revealed the he is a non-discriminate porn addict enjoying both braces laced boys and girls, may have slept with a woman from the adult film industry who died of undetermined causes, and posts pictures of his member on adult sex search directories, but it appears that his film work is also finally being appreciated. In homage to Sheen’s most well-beloved character, Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Jonathan Papelbon has chopped his head to honor Veg-Head. He apparently won a bet with Kevin Youkilis. I repeat…he won the bet. Which kind of makes you think about what other bets Papelbon would participate in. Perhaps a bet where Papelbon gets to sport garters over his uniform pants, a la Bull Durham. Or maybe even Papelbon with get the privilege of putting Icy Hot in his jock. Either way, this act is doing nothing to establish the 2006 Red Sox, as anything other than idiots. And that’s why people like them.

It’s quite simple. Millions of little boys grow up wanting to be a professional athlete. For all the right reasons, too. They want to be with their buddies all the time, to play a game, to do something they love. For those of us, who are dealt the cruel hand of not having the gifts to make it, we become fans. We begin to take things almost as seriously as the athletes, as if we played the game too. We reminisce over titles, big wins, and mourn when things don’t shake out our way. We join a larger team. And just like on a team, there are fan-mates you like, and fan-mates you can do without (extremely true with the Red Sox).

The ’06 Red Sox and their predecessors represent a lot of what is right. Sure, they quibble over salaries and on occasion, with each other, but they represent an innocence lost in pro sports. Too often pro athletes refer to what they do as a job. It is in many respects a job, but as a job it is perhaps the most leisurely pursuit one can have. They certainly bust their ass in the off season and they all want to win a title, but at the end of the day, that is nothing different than what they did to get to that level, and all the time, they were doing it for a game.

Whether it’s been Papelbon’s enthusiasm for strikeouts and flowbees, Beckett’s intensity as Schilling’s understudy, Varitek’s quiet leadership, Manny’s sprint to the dugout yesterday, or Papi’s wide grin, the Red Sox are mini-archetypes for who we once wanted to be. Perhaps this is why the Yankee’s are so loathed by Sox fans. That team from New York, that’s not much different in appearance from your Wall Street suit, a pin stripe uniform, with a NY power tie. They appear to have cashed in their youthful glee at the cost of 26 World Titles. I’ll take the Sox, with their wide eyes, go-lucky attitude, contagious enthusiasm, and two titles in 86 years.

The Red Sox are who I wanted to be when I was 12, making a pact with my best friend to end up in the majors. They hurt after losses but seem to get over it by the next time they play. They never get too down and never get too uppity, so as to forget who they really are; 12 year olds in grown man’s bodies (I could make a cheap Charlie Sheen joke here, but out of respect for decency, I will refrain). If you need an example, think about Manny’s foray into the scoreboard last year. It was really nothing more than a left fielder sitting down and picking dandelions, or running behind a tree to relieve himself before the beginning of an inning. Strangely enough, I wouldn’t want my baseball players any other way.

P.S.: I win five bucks if I can grow a mustached by the end of the week. Pay me ten to stop.

2006-04-20T09:12:00.000-04:00

HANGING IN THERE...

I will return to writing early next week. Very busy at work lately so not as much time to dweel on and offer my thoughts about the world. I will return. In the meantime please ponder this...If the Bruins leave Boston without making the playoffs and Joe Thornton is the NHL's Scoring Leader after leaving the Bruins, will a tree falling in the woods still make a sound?

For more fun, insert Celtics where Bruins is, NBA where NHL is, and Chauncy Billups where Joe Thornton is.

And for all those wondering...if the moons cross and the stars align, I will buy a Celtics Rudy Gay jersey.

2006-04-10T13:24:00.000-04:00

Phil Mickelson: Proof That God Work In Mysterious Ways

I am not going to throw down dunks anytime soon, hit a grand slam, win a World Cup, ace a serve at 110mph, or kick a 53 yard field goal. So let’s get all the nasty pretense out of the way. However, after watching the Master’s yesterday I have to believe that Phil Mickelson is proof that if you put your mind (and only your mind, forget physical appearance), you can do anything. Here is Phil Mickelson’s life stat line:

Phil Mickelson

210 lbs
30% body fat
Measurements: 6’1”, 38W, 32B
Brown Hair
Blue Eyes
Left Handed
Unbelievably Hot-Wife
Friends with Michael Jordan
Only person to make Tiger Woods generate a fake smile (other than Buick that is)
Two Masters Championship
Three of the Last 9 Major Championships

See life is fair. You can be a pudgy left handed fellow, growing something that could only be called a duck tail with your hair, show your nipples to the world on TV (windy at Augusta, eh Phil?), and still land an incredibly beautiful women, befriend the most famous athlete in the world, be one of the greatest golfer’s on the planet, and resemble nothing more than a man who has seen one too many free buffets. Phil Mickelson could be the guy sitting next to you on the plane, asking for the extra bag of pretzels and the whole can of coke. He could be the guy in town for the sales conference you meet at the bar one night, eating the hamburger and staring at the TV. Phil Mickelson’s middle is America…I mean is middle America. But there the similarities end. I finished yesterday wearing a green bath robe, he finished it with THE Green Jacket.

Tiger Woods looks like he deserves to win. Heck even Fred Couples. Sure he sports a little beer belly after all these years on tour, but he looks athletic. Phil Mickelson should be the Sean Bradley of golf…but he’s not. He is frumpy with a sledgehammer swing and pinpoint accuracy. This is why people hate golf. Because a guy who seemingly denies himself nothing except a strict fitness regimen can still drive the ball 250 every time and is surgical with his irons. I don’t mean to pick on his weight or appearance (I kind of do), and I don’t mean to take anything away from him (although I am), but just looking at the guy makes me cringe. He won the Masters and there is nothing I can do about except fall asleep on my couch next to a bag of Funyuns. I am training for my Tour card.

2006-04-07T11:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you need a reminder…

Just a week ago, I mistakenly knocked a sharpie from Jamie Dixon’s hand at Hoop City in Indianapolis. He was gracious and smiled. Despite my Uconn hat, he said he was pleased to meet me. Now, in a cruel act, Jamie Dixon has lost his sister. Instead of eulogizing her and her achievements, as many will deservedly do in the coming days, I chose to focus on the whole. Women, better yet, people like Maggie Dixon, are special stories. Unfortunately, they are special in the way that kids on the back of milk cartons are. They are lost stories, too often untold, and often told too late.

Having studied women’s sports, in its rise into the nation’s sports consciousness, I was impressed by its rich history, and its ample opportunity for growth. What it required to take the next step; that into being equal to men’s sports, were people like Maggie Dixon. See, women’s sports are held to a triple standard in our society. We give them ample opportunities for failure and derision, but they keep coming back. We create different rules as a means to relegate them to a second rate status; as the counterculture to the men’s mainstream, but they keep coming back. We force them to prove themselves in a gender war they can never win, without acknowledging the unique intensity and skill they possess, but they keep coming back. Yes, they play a different game than the men, but in some cases they play it better; and that is why they keep coming back. Sure, they may be devoid of the muscular capacity and athleticism inherent to some male athlete’s, but when it comes to the true make up of a sportsmen, the women who play sports in America epitomize the right, while our male athlete’s seem to epitomize the wrong.

Part of the innocence of women’s sports it that they lay outside the bubble, outside of the walls of constant public scrutiny and scorn. But guaranteed, they are still held to the standards. One peep, one misstep and the world of women’s sports and all its progress could tumble. There would be no third strike for most female athletes; one would suffice.

In my studies I have concluded that inherent to the success of the women’s sports is it being lead by people who are interested in seeing it succeed as an athletic pursuit. Too often women’s sports are used as sideshows for corporate sponsorship. They are a viral growth enterprise, sprung from the men’s game and constantly compared as such. To truly appreciate women’s sports, they need to be looked at organically. Maggie Dixon was indicative of this growth; a keeper of the flame so to speak. Women like her are crucial to the success of their games, because they essentially lead by example. They grew up playing the game, living the game, and instituting those ethics and a moral compass within the athletes they wound up coaching. This is something lost in the big money world of men’s athletics, a tradition we oddly embrace, while scorning the purity of the women’s game as naivety.

Women’s sports have arrived. They will continue to grow. With each joke thrown in their direction, they will bounce back. Too often do we lose focus of what’s right in the world of sport, choosing to embrace things for the way they are. We forget how, at their pinnacle, sports can be a reflection of the altruism and goodness of our society. Sometimes it takes a loss to make us realize how special sports really are. You keep your Jim Larranaga, I’ll take a Maggie Dixon.

2006-04-05T13:40:00.000-04:00

INDIANA…Not Louisiana, Paris, France, or anywhere near civilization

Sorry to begin with reference to a musical, but I need something to cheer me up. I’ll say it right now. All you people looking to take a nice relaxed vacation to the “crossroads of the midwest” better cross quick, because if you stay in Indianapolis for too long, you will be in a time warp. After attending the Final Four in Indy this pass weekend, I will bestow upon you the awful underbelly of this city built on corn, insurance, and broken dreams. (Okay its not that bad, but neither is prison once you join up with Tito and the boys. And just like prison, fun in Indy comes with a price.)

Looking for a Casual Dining Experience…Indianapolis is the place for YOU!
Indy does not have bars. They have restaurants that just happen to have bars in them. Picture a crowd of thousands pouring down the street in your local strip mall, trying to decide whether Ruby Tuesdays or TGI Fridays is best suited to meet their libation needs. It doesn’t work. But this is what downtown Indianapolis is, an endless supply of like minded restaurants offering boneless buffalo wings (sound like an oxymoron to you?), boneless spare ribs (oxymoron?) and 8 dollar 32-ounce beers. If you like walking around with a square disk with lights and a buzzing sound that’s emitted when your table’s ready, wedged into your pocket…Come to Indy! (of note: within three blocks of one another is Champp’s and Champ’s and White Castle…go eat at White Castle and strike a blow against redundancy and unoriginality)

Downtown is thrown around as loosely as the term “My Coke Fest” was in the mid-80’s, which is ironic because both occurred in Indianapolis this week. Six blocks by six blocks, Indy counts seven major buildings, either housing mid-cap banks or insurance companies. Beginning with Salvation Mission and ending with the State Capitol building, and bordered by the RCA Dome and Conseco Fieldhouse on the upper fringe, downtown is an amalgamation of “bars”, shops, hotels, stores selling crucifixes and holy relics, and a mall. If this sounds like something viewable to you from your morning traffic jam on the interstate you don’t need to go to Indy, unless you want a sweet deal a 1972 vintage King James bible complete with audio tapes read by Billy Graham. If that’s the case, then there are plenty of street corners in Indy for you to preach on.

I must also applaud the genius of “My Coke Fest”. Here is the premise: Let’s block off four main streets around the city center. Divert people into “My Coke Fest” via one line in each of the four entrances. Treat them like cattle grazing for Coca-Cola and Beer. Force them all to one entrance if they want to view the performing act. Then make them navigate throw a crowd of thousands just to discover they can’t get to any of the surrounding eateries without leaving “My Coke Fest”. The marketing genius’s that lined this one up must have gotten a raise. “My Coke Fest”…more like “My Crap Fest” or “My-What is like to be cattle-Fest”.

Let’s shut everything down at 12am. Then strategically place all, by all I mean two, liquor stores on the borders of the city’s landmark downtown. This plan is clear once you look around the city at its historic sights and notice most of the people were famous for suffrage and…suffrage and…suffrage and temperance! So basically what happens is you have thousands of people looking to tie one on, leaving the RCA dome after 3 wretched games and sojourning for the devil juice in the lobby of the Radisson. This must be what purgatory is like.
Decide what time it is! So I am going into the movie theater to see “Inside Man”. Its approximately 2:15 EST but as the several receipts, people, bank clocks, and waitresses told me, it was 1:15 Indiana Time. So I walked in the theater as the movie was to start a 1:50pm and said, “Damn we must be early because they are just going in to rob the bank right now”. It was a Spike Lee “Joint”, so one must realize anything can happen. So I ask the usher, “What time is it?” He says, “1:15”. I said, “Okay so that movie is just starting or ending?” He says, “Hang on”. He then checks his cell phone and then talks to his manager. This was the solution: They were unsure of the time so they told me to just go in and to watch and that if I thought it was the beginning, to stay, otherwise I could just watch the ending and stay. Two hours later I realized it was the beginning and that Indiana time is short for, “I have no idea what time it really is, so we just made something up.”

Now, to its credit, Indianapolis did its best. The weather didn’t cooperate bringing the score of the weather vs. the buildings of Indianapolis game to a 1-0 score for the weekend. But the city tried its best. It just isn’t built to host an event of this magnitude no matter how crappy the games or how easy it is to get to. Add in mass confusion over daylight savings time and you get what happened there this weekend.

Here are some things that just didn’t help cement Indy’s place in my heart, that were simply beyond their control.

George Mason fans. If you were underage, liquored up, and yelling at people all day? You were dressed in yellow and green. If you got so drunk that you threw up over an outdoor porch at a bar while yelling at Florida fans about how Jai Lewis would eat them alive? You were a George Mason fan. If you just put away your Duke hat and put on the green and gold for the first time and needed a shirt to match so you went to Abercrombie to get one? You were a “Mason” fan. If you talked on your cellphone the majority of the game to your sorority sister/fraternity brother back home in Fairfax? You were a GMU fan. If it looked like this was your team’s first time to the Final Four, you just learned to pronounce “Larranaga”, and you began chanting “George Mason” during the championship game? You were a GMU fan.

Florida Fans. If you redefine the term wahoo from expression to a person, you get a picture of a Florida fan. I saw more Florida football/Urban Meyer gear (Yes…they have Urban Meyer shirts) than I did anything with basketball on it. Not to discredit the team, which basically knocked the hell out of everyone throughout the tournament, but the fans polarize you against the Gators, like Joakim Noah’s does to people who want to “grow out” their hair. They are to the SEC what Duke fan’s are like the ACC. Only they chant stupid things, sing three note songs that make Boomer Sooner seem endearing, and have players that shimmy shake and hug eachother all the time. Actually this makes them exactly like Duke. Billy Donovan does not look like a Rat, a la Coach K, but he also looks like he runs numbers for the mob, so it’s really a trade off. Also many didn’t stick around to watch the nets be cut down or see “One Shining Moment”, in favor of getting their buzz back at the Radisson hotel bar.

Bad Games. Just lousy games. I have been to five Final Fours and never seen such bad games. Usually you get at least one gem of a game, but not here, not in Indy. Attendance legitimately dropped in half once the second half of LSU v. UCLA game and in the last 10 minutes of the final. The place was a ghost town. Most of the time there are lines to get in and lines to get out. This time I was out within 2 minutes of the games end and that included a bathroom stop. Amazing yes, surprising no.

Now here is the list of cool things/people I saw:

1.Met Maurice Ager. Asked him who he played for and he said “MSU”. I said to my friend, “Hey this guy plays for Mississippi State!”. The guy didn’t hear me. Then I asked him what his name was “He said Mo Ager.” I paused, a bit befuddled, and then asked, “You play at MSU right?” (SAFE PLAY!). He said “Yep.” He was tall, a college basketball player at program named MSU, and at the Final Four. I said, “Good luck in the draft.” I then realized he was Maurice Ager of Michigan State. I place blame for this squarely on the 32-ounce beers. Overall grade of conversation: 7.5.

2. Met Carl Krauser. For a guy who seems like a complete jerk, he could not have been nicer. He was playing a game of horse with Squeaky Johnson (guard at UAB) and Stephen Smith (The guy who led the nation in rebounds for two straight years. Oh yeah, he’s from LaSalle.) After Krauser hit a three, my buddy and I crossed our arms in X-formation over our head. Krauser pointed and did it right back. After I got a picture with him and he was kind enough to get a picture with my buddy who had gotten cut out of the first one. Overall experience: 9

3.Met Jamie Dixon (Coach of Pitt). I saw him walking and filled with gall from just meeting Krauser, said “Hey Jamie Dixon”. I then proceeded to shake his hand and knock his Sharpie on the floor which then slid under a radiator in the corner. The then budding conversation was DOA. Overall experience: 6.5

4. Saw the following: Mike Brey (wanted to chant, “Dead Man Walking”), Mark Gottfried (meeting with boosters at Champ’s), Phil Martelli (three times, once on the street, once at a restaurant, and once on our plane home), Tom Izzo (eating with his family in the mall foodcourt), John Beilein (with his son Patrick outside a bar), and Danny Ainge (who doesn’t have Bluetooth and still makes deals with the earpiece attached the phone thingy…this explains a lot about the Celtics this season).

Final Four’s are always a good time, but this one ranks at the lowest. It wasn’t just the city, it wasn’t just the games, and it wasn’t just the 8 dollar beers, it was the whole thing. If the NCAA wants to host the Final Four in Indy, there is no reason budding metropolis’s like Sacramento, Hartford, Mobile, and Billings can’t take part. Just have an aiport, some hotels, and a big domed stadium and you are on your way.

2006-03-30T11:20:00.000-05:00

TO’s HAS HUGE CAJONES…and will be reported to the Better Business Bureau

Out of curiosity I check TO’s webstie about once a week. This week when I checked, I went directly for his online store. Not only can I now pre-order a TO authentic Tailgate plastic cup, but I can also save 5 dollars by ordering his 2004 calendar. Sure, none of the days will be right and I may miss days of work, anniversaries, birthdays etc, and get fired, divorced and removed from my friends, but I get to see TO everyday, often shirtless, telling me to wake up and go make some money. Can you really put a price on that? Plus on the cover he is holding a white tiger on a leash and not wearing a shirt. I have never seen a man accuse more people of being gay while embracing such homosexual nuances. This is the TO I know and love, the one no one understands, even those that pay to be in his fan club. If it was offered, I would buy the TO and Drew Rosenhaus autographed replica of their pact with Satan, too.

CUCKOO’S IN CONTROL OF THE GUARD TOWER!

I don’t watch a lot of the NBA, but I did watch the Knicks v. Celtics game last night. It what should have been a closely contested game given where both respectively sit in the standing, it was an indictment of what is occurring in New York. Sure, other teams have suffered, even despite their major market presence. But I have never seen anything like this. I mean the tension of palpable through the TV. I genuinely believe that what Isaiah has assembled is essentially the equivalent of the sixth grade girl’s basketball team. Sarah (read: Steve Francis) doesn’t like Gina (read: Stephon Marbury) because Gina used to be friends with Monica (read: Jalen Rose) but now Sarah and Monica are friends and Monica has told Sarah that Gina gave Bobby (Sarah’s boyfriend aka: Isaiah Thomas) a sticker on his notebook the other day. Now Monica and Sarah shoot dirty looks to Gina in the halls and won’t pass Gina the ball, while Bobby tries to decide if he actually wants to date Betty (read: Jerome James). Meanwhile Coach Johnson (read: Larry Brown) tries to keep Jacqui (read: Quentin Richardson) and Eve (read: Nate Robinson) from getting involved, despite Jacqui’s open dislike for Gina and previous problems with CC (read: Eddy Curry). All the while, Coach Johnson wants to tear his own larynx out from having to scream over a bunch of shrieking girls during practice. After all this is a job he volunteered for.

This is essentially what is going on with the Knicks. Its not an erudite Greek tragedy, it’s a sixth grade sideshow and they all happen to have to play basketball together.

I'll be in Indy for the Final Four. If I get a chance between my busy schedule of discovering the wonders of Indianapolis (overgrown Hartford??) and watching George Mason fans try pretend they knew it all along, I'll try to post something coherent.

2006-03-29T16:08:00.000-05:00

DUKE LAX

What an incredibly unfortunate situation. Although these stand as allegations currently, it appears that with enough evidence to generate a DNA probe of 40 team members, the Police have a good case on hand. Having written thesis on the subject of masculinity and femininity in sports and how those concepts manifest themselves in today’s athletes, I am not shocked however. Sports such as hockey, football, lacrosse, and others are sports built around violence. They are also inherently masculine with feminine forms serving as derivations of them. One would be hard pressed to not notice the clear differences between women’s hockey and men’s, women’s lacrosse and men’s. This is not meant to disparage women’s sports, but it’s clear that the men’s games are built around contact and collision.

An atmosphere like this combined with a locker room atmosphere is incredibly dangerous. Michael Messner a professor at U So. Cal has written prolifically on the subject. While some of his points are contestable, his overarching theme of male dominance expressing itself both sexually and athletically is clear. In fact the mere presence of strippers at this lacrosse team “party” validates this distinction. Just stand in a high school locker room for five minutes and listen to the discussion. Sexual dominance as the stronger species is inherent to “positive” athletic attributes. Big and buff is preferred over skinny and small. These are characteristics used to pick ideal mates and ideal athletes. When these attributes are expressed in a team atmosphere and go unchecked they bind directly to athletic aggression. When that aggression correlates to athletic success, it becomes a crucial quality of the team. In a collegial environment where teammates are together, literally inhabiting one another’s lives, that aggression and those attitudes are difficult to only confine on the field. One’s personal success is a team success. One’s secret is a team secret. These individuals become bound to the oath of team success. If one drops the ball (read: truth) they all fall.

I am not offering an excuse, but merely pointing out that this situation and situations like this will continue to occur until we view our men (boys) differently. Season of Life, is a tremendous book that points this fact out. Regardless, what has occurred here is deplorable. Not only did they rape and sodomize this woman, but they insulted and taunted her and her friend with racial slurs and epithets. Those alone are enough to kick someone out of most schools. It has been revealed that 15 of the players had prior infractions on their record, primarily drinking related. This is commonplace in such areas, as binge drinking is not too far away from sexual conquest and athletic success on the totem pole of masculinity. However, it is a diproportionate number for just one team. Alcohol, sex, team...in which order?

Beyond the handicaps of their athletic backgrounds and alcohol however, the largers issue is that there is culpability on all involved in the perpetration of this crime. All attending become complicit in what occurred. For fear of rejection or some other reason, they did not intervene in a situation that was clearly out of hand. Simultaneously, the captains, who rented the house in which the incident occurred, should be dealt with harshly. As leaders of the team, to allow this to happen is a reprehensible act. The coach at some juncture also must be engaged in the discourse of responsibilty.

The silence is deafening. No one has come forward, not one player on the team. This is a truly stunning indictment on our society and educational system. No one thus far, has decided to do the right the thing, to say what happened was wrong. Instead they stand behind a curtain of shame, a façade of team. It is my hope, that if the time would come, my son would have the courage, the moral compass, the strength to be the one who came forward. This is not cheating on a test, this is the moral degradation of a human being for the sake of the team.

I will not suggest how to handle it. I would expect Duke to abide by its principle’s, whatever they maybe. It is an unfortunate case given the social ramifications; a black woman (a community college student) raped by white males (who attend a prestigious university). However, no matter how befuddled it becomes with issues of race and class, the imminent danger of continuing to parallel athletic prowess with sexual conquests is apparent. It lies too deep at the subconscious of our sports and as young boys succeed and turn into young men, ascending the echelon of sports, these dangerous attitudes become engrained. This is a process that must be eradicated.

2006-03-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

HOOSIER HIJINKS

Indiana went outside the family. They went for Few and Calipari, were rebuffed, and then selected Kelvin Sampson. Now, I am a Uconn fan. But as a program, I have great respect for Indiana. They are a staple of the Big Ten, with their candy striped pants and storied history. This year, they were a good team, and next year, might be better. But I can’t understand this hiring for a few reasons.

Sampson is almost as ethically questionable as Huggins. Sure, he doesn’t hire people just to recruit players (a Huggy Bear trump card), but he does make inappropriate contact with recruits before the allotted NCAA contact period. Sounds dirty, its not. However, its lack of cleanliness has left Oklahoma in a tailspin of an NCAA investigation. Additionally, he is a JUCO proponent, taking non-qualifiers and making them into players on the DI level for two years. What happens to these players after? Who knows? Its difficult to track players when they never receive their diplomas. Hollis Price where art thou? I am not naive enough to say they are the only one's, but 0% graduates is ZERO percent graduated.

They could have done better. If anything Sampson has already peaked as a coach. He took one of his least talented teams to the NCAA Final Four in 2002, but failed to reach any other year of his tenure. In recent years his teams have often turned out to be overhyped and fallen well short of pre-season prognostications (alliteration). With the players he gets, and for the skill level they enter at, you would expect better.

He is a solid coach, but his record doesn’t indicate he is a builder. Indiana is a program that needs to build. Sampson will inherit excellent players like Vaden, et all, if he can convince them to stay. Any sniffing around with JUCO players will not be tolerated by his inherited team. If there is any sort of mass exodus from Bloomington (as some anticipate regardless of who was hired), Sampson would be pressed to build a program back up. With a tight athletic department that was once run by the current NCAA president, Sampson will be pushed to find players that fit into the Indiana system from a recruiting base that is traditionally focused on getting the best players from the Hoosier state to stay there. Sampson has had some luck at Oklahoma doing this, but in a state where basketball is King Corn, everything is watched a bit closer. Kelvin, you ain’t in Oklahoma anymore?

Clearly, this is a step up for him. I believe it’s a step down for Indiana. I don’t think they should have hired Alford either, but I do believe there are more promising coaches out there than Sampson. They would have been better off giving a young coach a shot and a few years, than hiring a supposed coaching commodity to win right away. They simply don't have the peices in place to succeed in this endeavour. They could have found a better fit, a better coach. Especially, coach’s that don’t carry with them the stigma that Sampson does. Indiana has bailed him out at their expense.

2006-03-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

Randy Johnson’s Love Child…

Can’t get a prom date because she looks like a Yeti.
Leads the softball team in strikeouts and facial hair.
Dates Jon Kruk’s son.

Okay so basically there is no end to the crazy ways you can finish that sentence. However, if you could pick one baseball player on the Yankees to have a love-child, how would you guess Johnson. Posada, sure I could see that. A-Rod, one could only hope. Heck, even Mussina. But wasn’t Johnson too busy chopping wood and listening to Billy Ray Cyrus in the late 80’s to have kids. I mean the fact of Randy Johnson procreating is disturbing enough. The fact that he has a daughter and not a son…well that is just unfortunate. Perhaps, this is how he got his nickname the Big Unit. I’m not really sure, but all I know is that there is some girl out there…a little taller than all the other girls, with stronger cheek bones, with a rocket of an arm and long mullet of hair, who has always wondered who her dad is. And now she knows…and isn’t that what the world is really all about?

OF NOTE:

I will not comment on the GMU v. Uconn game other than to say that the better team won. It was a wake up call to all programs that there is no mid-major, just as there are no real freshman players. A good team is a good team, and skilled player is a skilled player, regardless of size or age respectively. The parity is greater and greater, and as more teams realize that NBA talent doesn’t equate to NCAA Championship, we will see better competition and a shift.

Also, I picked three of the Final Four teams in my personally labeled, “Crazy Bracket”. So choke on that Doug Gottlieb.

2006-03-24T09:50:00.000-05:00

Hang on, what is this bracket thing you’re talking about again?

Okay I got it. Your bracket got busted again. You listened to Seth Davis and much like the same voice that told you it was good idea to get your tips frosted, you picked Duke and Gonzaga in your Final Four. Coach K got outcoached and the Zags mental lapses were unreal. But you know what? No ONE Cares. You got hosed because you believed in teams, it happens. So stop acting like you just saw Bambi’s mom got shot and get on with your life. You won’t get that 5 dollars back ever again and someone else will get it. Did you not understand that was a possibility and that a perfect bracket is less common than picking the Pick 6 in the Derby. So congratulations. Unless your name is J.J. Redick or Adam Morrison, no one wants to see you cry in public. What you missed through the tears over your torn bracket were three superbly played games and six teams (well actually five, I would have expected more from Duke), who left it all on the court.

A note on the crying (and coonskin caps). Listen, I enjoyed watching Redick cry more than anyone, but I am not going to tear him apart for it. Having played collegiate sports I know how it feels when you realize you are going to come up short. Usually I had the privilege of realizing this the first game of the season, but sometimes, it hits you like Tawny Kitaen with a high heel to Chuck Finley’s head. You didn’t see it coming, but once you realize its happening, you don’t know how to deal. I met Redick one time in the back of Olympia sports in San Antonio with Shavlik Randolph. I was decked in my Uconn garb the day after the Huskies banished the Devils in the Final Four. He was inexplicably wearing a coonskin cap (perhaps an homage to Davy Crockett) and holding hands with Shavlik Randolph. Okay he wasn’t holding his hand but he was wearing the hat. Which when I think about is a really good way to not get noticed. Any ways, I had a friend who was a huge Duke fan, and I had bought him a tee-shirt. I walked up to Redick while my other buddy stood in the background yelling “U-C-O-N-N”. I said the following, “Hey I’m a Uconn fan, but my friend is a huge Duke fan. Could you sign this tee-shirt?” He took the pen and signed it. I did not ask Shavlik as he was busy dreaming what it would be like to sit on the bench of the Miami Heat. Redick then signed a few more autgraphs while my friend continued the Uconn chant. Redick tried to pretend he was going to go after him, and Randolph fake held him back (a move emulated by now by Greg Paulus). They left the store and met up with Shavlik's parents outside the store.

Now, I’m not saying he’s a nice guy. He clearly is a bit of a jerk, but he was nice enough to sign the shirt, so I’m not going to kick him while he’s down. After all he is the one that has to live with his post season mediocrity for the rest of his life, not me. Plus its not like I have to stop hating Duke, I have whole new crop of players to dislike led by Paulus and McRoberts. By the way, what the hell was McRoberts thinking with that foul. That foul alone triggered the best 15 seconds of Glen Davis's collegiate career (FYI...Glen Davis ate J.J. Redick after the game. Unfortunately for GM, he didn't have an appetite for overrated rat-faced coaches).

Morrison on the other hand was a bit different. He started crying before the game even ended. Maybe it was that his attempt to grow a mustache had fallen short all season and he finally had to cope with it. Either way, his emotions are always on display even when you beat St. Mary's by 1 point. Regardless, that was tough to watch and even tougher once Batista’s heave (to call it a shot would be too kind) missed. Did it occur to anyone to come pick him up? I guess when you beat yourself in the head with a basketball when you win a game, people are a little afraid of what you are going to do once you lose. Regardless, it seemed like he was sprawled out on the court for an eternity.

Either way I picked the result of each game correctly. I am not a genius but I am smarter than Seth Davis with less of an inferiority complex…so at least I got that going for me. Good for the winner, bye bye to the losers. And just for today if you see someone that is crappy at writing poetry and wearing a coonskin cap, cut him a little slack, he just realized he choked in the biggest game of his life.

2006-03-23T14:03:00.000-05:00

Alex and Isiah Pick ‘Em

This is the first installment of Alex and Isiah Pick ‘Em where Can’t Make This Stuff Up writer, Alex picks the Elite Eight matchups with Knicks President, Isiah Thomas (actually what I think Isiah Thomas would say/think)

First Matchup

LSU v. Duke

Alex: I like LSU in this matchup. They are a physically dominant team with the ability to defend well on the perimeter. Against Connecticut this year, they gave the perimeter players fits and forced them into dribble drives that were cut off by their big men. Davis and Thomas fill so much space in the lane. On the other hand Shelden Williams is a monster on the glass, but LSU simply has more depth at the position. If Williams gets in foul trouble early, Duke will be in trouble because LSU will be able to extend them across the perimeter, forcing Redick in “hero mode”, where he will be forced to knock down shots from way out. It will be a good game, but I think LSU will have enough to pull off the upset.

Isiah: Well I would draft every player on every single one of these teams. First off, I really like the names, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, Shelden “Landlord” Williams, JJ “Crazy Legs” Redick, and I mean LSU has a guy named Magnum…oh ah! I also like the color combinations. As you all know I am not too partial to orange and blue, and have been trying to trade those colors for the Celtics green and white, but Danny Ainge doesn’t want Jerome James or Steve Francis. As for the game I think the better looking combo of purple and yellow will beat Duke’s blue and white, plus Duke doesn’t have enough unproven talent for me to pick them. LSU’s inexperienced but determined team has a lot of heart, and as I proved with Eddy Curry, you can’t measure heart.

Second Pick

WVU v. Texas

Alex: West Virginia is feisty, but I picked Texas in my championship matchup with Uconn. I have to stick with them, even though I believe WVU can come out and win this game. The key for victory is if West Virginia can put a whole game together of good shooting. They have dominated halves but they are going to need it for a full game against a versatile Texas squad.

Isiah: Ouch! I just burned my hand on that burnt orange. I would try to grab just about every player from this game to play on my team. I think they are all that good. In fact I have tried trading my whole team and a case of Coors Original, for the first 12 picks in the draft. I think Pittsnogle is one of the best players I have seen in a long time and combined with Daniel Gibson at the point, Pittsnogle would make a great shooting guard. All I know is that if Pittsnogle is available with the sixth pick in the draft I will give up the naming rights to Madison Square Garden to get him. He would be a great fit in our organization and our city. I still like Texas in this game, because I think I met Rick Barnes one time. But let me tell you, there is a chance I may try to tap Lamarcus Aldridge as player/coach next year once Larry Brown leaves.

Third Pick

Bradley v. Memphis

Alex: Road ends here for the Braves. Memphis takes this one in the second half.

Isaiah: I had no idea there were so many good players out there that weren’t high school seniors or NBA rejects. I really like Patrick O’Bryant. He reminds me of a young Shawn Bradley and could really help me emulate the success they have had out in Portland. I also think that John Calipari is a great coach. Does anyone know if Dajuan Wagner is still available? I could use a back up guard. Calipari, now he has never coached at the NBA level but I think he could be really special. I am always willing to sacrifice winning to give some young upstart coach a shot. I don’t watch much basketball but I think I will take…hang on what are the team colors? (He is informed of the team colors) The red team, red always beats blue. That’s the same Twister-logic I used to pick up Stephon Marbury.

Fourth Pick

Gonzaga v. UCLA

Alex: I think that the Zags and Adam Morrison’s magnificent run ends here. UCLA is too athletic and much more skilled at the guard position. I think Batista will struggle with Aflolo in the blocks and the Bruins will win a close one.

Isiah: I have seen Adam Morrison play once and already I am speaking with Swiss geneticists to take his DNA and match it with that of Sebastian Telfair’s. I know he (Morrison) hasn’t played a game in the NBA and he plays in the WCC, but man, I know talent when I see it. I think I may try to get Jordan Farmar too. I really want to see fans try to pronounce his name most of all. I would say, based purely off mascots a Bruin, which I have been told is a bear, is bigger than a Bulldog. In a fight to the death I feel strongly the Bruin would make a more positive contribution to the fight than the Bulldog. The Bruin would basically become Starbury and go nuts on the Bulldog. So with that in mind I will pick the Bruins of Gonzaga.

2006-03-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

Huggy Bear and the ‘Cats: Episode Two

So Bob Huggins signed with Kansas State to coach. I don’t like Huggins much but he seems to be a good basketball coach. He plays the “Jerry Tarkanian Card” left and right, stressing the importance of giving kids a chance, a second chance, a third chance, and in the case they abduct their roommate and attempt to light them on fire (Donald Little), tries to give them a fourth chance.

There are really a plethora of reasons Huggins chose Kansas. Most importantly, he was unemployed. Also, Kansas has seven prisons, eight if you include Leavenworth, leaving a virtual infinite number of parolees to pare down into a starting five. It also has some of loosest DUI laws and most open roads around. Huggins can drive drunk up to four times in the state of Kansas and the most his license can be suspended for is one year. Additionally, Kansas State has a long history of recruiting Junior College players to be Wildcats. This is Huggins bread and butter recruiting populous, and he recruits them better than anyone else.

I am not going to be so stupid as to assume that every program is clean. But for the Athletic Director to hire a guy as ethically challenged as Huggins is a mistake. It becomes more egregious when compounded with the fact that the program has struggled. With KSU’s football program losing its coach, I am sure the AD feels a lot of pressure, and while the hiring of Huggins will no doubt bring ESPN to campus a few times; it will only intensify the spotlight with his former(current?) misdeeds. Huggins, like most DI coaches, believes he is above the law, above the school. This was evident at Cincy and only became more apparent when his termination process ensued. Huggins is well known as a coach with little interest in his players off-court lives (read: academic performance). However, when you tout “giving kids a second chance”, you should also make sure they get an education. There are currently 6 Cincy alums in the NBA. The number when compared to all the players he has coached means a significant amount of his former players don’t survive off playing hoops alone. I know there are probably players overseas, but still they are not improving their chances by not getting an education. The ethical obstacles that are placed by bringing in Huggins are the epitome of doing anything to win. I am sure Nick Lachey would disagree with me and I’m surprisingly comfortable with that. Either way I hope Huggins has learned his lesson, but I wouldn’t be the one to give him a second chance.

Thanks to DeadSpin for posting my link yesterday and major congratulations to them for getting into Sports Illustrated.

2006-03-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

Patriots/Gillette Stadium Job Board: 3/22/06

Stadium Operations

Vendor

Must be able to work weekends and carry over 50 lbs. Previous experience working in markets like Cincinnati in the mid 90’s, Tropicana Field or last year at the Meadowlands for Jets games preferred.

Ticket Operations Manager

Must be able to manage payroll, Paceolan program, and other database operations. Responsibilities include explaining to the season ticket holders why the Pats let go of Adam Vinatieri and how they “plan” to succeed in the 2006 season. Experience in crisis management in a dynamic environment strongly encouraged.

Personnel

Wide Receiver

We currently have two openings for wide receiver. Responsibilities include downfield blocking, pass catching, a sub 4.4 40 time, and great hands. Must be able to report to training camps and team meetings to discuss “the plan” for 2006. Must be willing to accept short term contract paid at 75 cents to the dollar. We strongly encourage applicants from diverse backgrounds and experience. 1 to 2 years experience preferred but not required. My be asked to play both offense and defense and communicate via non-verbal signals with quarterback. Possibility of growth within organization pending our financial capacities and your ability to be paid less to be on a “winner”.

Linebacker

Looking for a linebacker and skilled run stopper to join aging corps of linebackers. Applicants never paid over 2.5 million a year and within 4 years of retirement preferred. Desire to rebuild in the hopes of winning down the line a requisite. Must be a team player with little to no experience handling the media during the season as this qualification is not necessary.

Kicker

This new opening is looking to be filled immediately. Must be able to put points on the board as a main weapon of an offensive arsenal that will rely heavily on your leg. The person in this position is expected to win in the last seconds of Super Bowl’s, playoff games in the snow and rain, and in any regular season overtime contest. Must be able to distance the kickoff over at least 55 yards. Contract demands to be met pending decision of management. Anticipated salary requirements of $950,000 to $951,000/year with incentives based in Papa Gino’s commercials.

If you meet any of these qualifications please promptly enter the NFL Draft or email Scott Pioli at werescrewedin06@pats.com. Draftees from Southeast Louisiana Technical Institute, Northern Idaho State and South Dakota Central, given special preference once 8 rounds of the draft have expired.

Thank you for your interest.

The PATRIOTS: Signing tomorrow’s talent at yesterday’s value for the future.

2006-03-22T07:53:00.000-05:00

File under TO for Totally Oblivious

TO is in Dallas. This is great news for ESPN, Donovan McNabb, and Jerry Springer fans. Since I am a Jerry Springer fan I get the willy-nillys just thinking about what could happen. Because once the warm fuzzy Terrell Owens disappears, we get the cold, manipulative, money hoarding jerk we all know and love.

Week 1: TO preaches the gospel of Bill Parcells. TO says “I believe I was sent here by God, like the three wisemen and I have come back to my star.” A reporter asks who then Baby Jesus would be, TO incredulously looks back and says “ME”. The reporters are befuddled by how TO could be four main characters in the nativity at once and the interview ends.

Week 2: TO runs a perfect route on a second and 6 and Bledsoe pump fakes to him before going over the middle to the tight end for the first down. TO shakes his head and smiles. Later he catches a TD. He then runs out the star and does pushups on the star while saying, “Terry Glenn DID catch TD’s, D-I-D, DID!”.

Week 3: TO catches two touchdowns despite a three interception game from Bledsoe. TO says, “You do what you can with what you got. TO’s here so we got a lot.” Woody Paige’s head explodes from the excitement of writing a piece that people might read. Additionally, ESPN sends Sal Palantonio down to cover the proceedings.

Week 4: TO sits the first quarter for missing curfew. He was out with Rosenhaus and his new client Marcus Vick. TO gets in the game and promptly misses a block for Marion Barber. Barber is crunched and coughs up the ball. In a thriller the Cowboys pull out the win. TO leaves quickly with Vick, who, according to Rosenhaus, is “learning to be professional from TO”.

Week 5: TO meets with owner Jerry Jones. TO says he deserves to be treated like the “best wide receiver in the league”, slaps himself in the face, and says “best player in the league”. Jones, visibly tense from an earlier botox injection, massages his head furiously as his hair plugs tighten. TO then offers his plan to be paid in 25% Croatian Kunas, 25% Indian Rupees, and 50% Euros, claiming “TO’s going international baby”.

Week 6: An early bye week for the Cowboys, with the Eagles in town next weekend. Sal Palantonio has been living in the boiler room in Texas Stadium for the better part of the month. He has been giving live reports from Cowboys practice for over three weeks. McNabb refuses to speak about TO to the media from the set of his new Chunky Soup commercial with a newly 450-lb Jerome Bettis. Louis Farakhan offers nuggets of wisdom to both men to heal their communities against the white devils. ESPN interviews TO and Rosenhaus. It goes well but is cut short when Rosenhaus is informed Marcus Vick exposed his “happy meal” at a local McDonald’s.

Week 7: People realize that by God, there is a football game attached to all this madness. TO catches three passes, while Terry Glenn has a career day against the Eagle’s secondary. TO leaves Texas Stadium without speaking to reporters. Parcell’s credits the offensive line for giving Bledsoe the protection to make the throws.

Week 8: Rosenhaus, in his strangest PR stunt yet, claims that TO was so upset with his performance that when Rosenhaus came to visit, TO had been standing naked in front of a mirror before sleeping 20 hours in his Hyperbaric Chamber. This is the top story on ESPN and John Clayton spends half the episode explaining the advantages and disadvantages of a hyperbaric sleep. It is roundly agreed amongst reasonable people that ESPN has no interest in football.

Week 9: TO catches two touchdowns and makes a game saving tackle off a Bledsoe interception. In the post game press conference TO says, “How many players out there on that field? How many offensive lineman? How many receivers? How many TO’s? How many players make that tackle? One, just one…TO! I ain’t seen no one else run after him but TO. Why? Cuz TO want it worse than anyone else. Now pay TO his Kunas!”. Owens then exits and before slamming the door, takes off his shirt and says, “Jeff Garcia’s still gay”.

Week 10: The Cowboys play the Cardinals so basically there is no storyline. The good news though is that ESPN execs churn out a TV movie, “TO: Misunderstood”. A buff Todd Bridges plays TO, complimented with a post-rehab Gary Busey as Coach Andy Reid and Stephen Baldwin as Drew Rosenhaus. Surprisingly the movie is better than “3” and “Season on the Brink”. However, that is like picking between Kid ‘n’ Play, Kris Kross, and Rex ‘n’ FX as the most influential artist of the early 90’s.

Week 11: Drew Bledsoe and TO meet to discuss the season and the run to the playoffs. Later that week, the Cowboys dismantle the Giant’s thanks to a career day by Bledsoe. Bledsoe credits his linemen and the receivers for running the routes. TO, finishing with six catches and 1 TD, is furious he is not singled out, completely forgetting that he humped the goal posts in the end zone after scoring and that not singling him out might be a good thing.

Week 12: TO holds an impromptu press conference at his home gym. In between sets of pec flys he explains his unhappiness with the quarterback situation. Additionally he claims that Parcells is a “good coach”, but not a “great motivator”. TO then moves on to the bench press where he says he could make Parcells a Hall of Famer and Bledsoe an all-pro. Later at the leg press he calls Larry Allen fat and mentions Bledsoe is light in the loafers. The Cowboys lose on Sunday.

Week 13: By this point no one is speaking to TO. While wandering around Texas Stadium, TO walks into the boiler room and finds Sal Palantonio. TO takes pity on him and offers him the exclusive scoop on TO in Dallas.

Week 14: ESPN focuses NFL GameDay, NFL GameNight, SportsCenter, Outside the Lines, BassMasters, ESPN Outdoors and Stump the Schwab on TO. After reading excerpts of the interview with TO, Larry Allen confronts him. He dumps TO out of the water bath and pins him to the ground. TO, expecting a confrontation has brought pal Marcus Vick with him and upon site of him, the situation quickly dissipates. It’s the first time a gun has been in the locker room since Barry Switzer was coach. On the way out, TO says to Bledsoe, “I know you liked that.” Everyone scratches their heads.

Week 15: Donovan McNabb laughs heartily as the Cowboys slip from the playoffs. TO challenges the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to take the spotlight from him. He is then reminded by Rosenhaus that they simply don’t have time for such pettiness if they are to be sure that no NFL team ever dares to sign TO again. Then they meet at a posh eatery with Stalin and Beezebul to talk shop.

Week 16: TO breaks his finger in a routine practice drill. Despite doctor’s recommendations that he can play, TO insists that it really hurts. Parcell’s, disgusted with his receiver, threatens to harm all of America by doing color-man work on Monday Night Football.

Week 17: TO ends the season on the bench. With the Cowboys out of playoff contention, Drew Bledsoe mulls retirement. Parcells thinks about it as well. Jerry Jones returns to the same logical man that thought Dave Campo could coach the Cowboys and somewhere, Paul Tagliabue laughs. Next season TO discovers the value of foreign currency, pulling down massive amounts of Guilders for the Amsterdam Admirals catching passes thrown by their young QB, Marcus Vick. In my mind, this has been the best football season ever.

2006-03-20T12:16:00.000-05:00

Gilligan's Island: Truly Timeless

Alot of people were worried that when Gilligan's Island ended, it's legacy would die shortly there after. Good news: Applebee's is carrying Bob Denver's torch. The commercial features two water logged actors (who probably actually worked at Applebees) who play the guitar and bass while tampering with the words to the Gilligan's theme in order to invoke the goodness of the "Shrimp Sensations". Apparently the desecration of the song wasn't enough...they had to make this the most annoying commercial ever. A good commercial for Applebees would picture scantily clad women serving up Buffalo Wings and pitchers of draft beer. But since Hooter's already outfoxed the chain restaurant market with that ploy, we get two guys singing the Gilligan's theme. This makes almost as much sense as the TGI Friday's commercial where the guy knowingly chugs Kung Pao sauce. Anyways, after all these commercials the velvet tones of Sam Waterston's voice let me know that I should do my investing by myself, without the advice of a broker. Apparently not only does Sam Waterston believe in "Law & Order" he also believes in "Debt and Working until your 85." Can't we get some good commercials somewhere!? After watching these commercials for the gazillionth time I have come up with the following.

1. Ordering shrimp at Applebee's will probably lead to a three hour tour. No, not of Applebee's knick-knock adorned walls, but of your GI track. The best thing you can do to get me to eat there is offer all you can eat fajitas, buffalo wings, or ribs. Otherwise our relationship will be terminated.

2. Chugging Kung Pao sauce should not be done in the presence of women. Nor should it be done after the person tells you its Kung Pao sauce and then offers you no monetary incentive for chugging it. If you do this, I believe your license should also be revoked and you be discouraged from going to any environment that is filled with shiny objects.

3. Sam Waterston. I really like you. But you are an actor. Despite you best efforts to provide me legal advice and now, financial advice, you can't dupe me. I know you are an actor. Besides the T. Rowe Price commercial with the lady sailing makes much more sense for my investment objectives and I'm pretty sure Gene Hackman would beat me up if I didn't invest with Oppenheimer Funds. I saw what he did to that guy in Mississippi Burning in the barber's shop, I want none of that, so he can have my money.

4. A good way to make some money if you are losing your pool is to bet someone that has been living under a rock who will win the bracket of insurance giants. It's State Farm everytime. You should try to do this if you live in a college dorm with an abundance of foreign students or people that carry around 32-sided dice. Trust me you can sweep up. Once again, State Farm wins everytime.

As you can tell, I watched alot of the tournament this weekend.

2006-03-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

THIS JUST IN: RED SOX OUTFIELD PICKED BY DR. SEUSS

Huge news...Red Sox betrayed Bronson Arroyo and his pesos to the dollar-based new contract to sign Wily Mo Pena. I can hear it now, "Coco and Wily Mo sprinting to call Manny off the ball". Heck the trade is even rancorous with rhymes, "Red Sox, Reds trade their pitcher Arroyo for homer hitcher Wily Mo, and green eggs and ham"- Sam I Am, Youville Daily News

Either way, the trade is fine with me. Wily Mo is another off-season reason that J.T. Snow may cut hay with Tony Graffanino and the Big O against an AL East foe. Exhausted yet? Me too. Plus you try rhyming something with Youkilis.

Simple trade. The Red Sox feel that Arroyo would either thrive as a fifth/fourth starter or starve in the pen. With Papelbon and a possible mid-season call up of Lester, they could sacrifice Arroyo for an added offensive weapon. Pena comes off a breakout season and could contribute once the "Trot Nixon 40-Game DL Injury Contest" determines a winner. Personally, although I like the odds on a groin injury, I could really see a stress fracture in the left foot. That's just me.

Great Weekend

Tremendous weekend. Hoops, intermixed with a little World Baseball Classic. As I said before, although some good teams were left out, this is one of the most even tournament fields ever. How else can you explain Bradley and George Mason making these runs. The parity is increasing.

Although, many of my picks have fallen to the Cinderella teams, you can't help but root for some of these upsets. Pitt fell hard, but Bradley deserved to win. They earned their spot and that is what is wonderful in the tournament; the teams with passion and talent, beat the teams that rely on their talent (Uconn please note!).

I still like LSU to beat Duke, and Texas to push through WVU. I also dig on Nova coming out from the Twin Cities. I like Uconn too, given that on paper they have the easiest bracket right now. They need to keep their heads and offer a little bit better play than what was displayed against a determined KY team (KY means Kentucky), and that should be enough. In the Oakland bracket, I must say UCLA looks solid and I think would be my new choice from that end. For those at home, I sit 5 and 3 respectively in my two pools.

A quick note: While listening to the broadcasts I couldn't help but notice the proliferation of "dirty" terms that get used to describe basketball. I think the announcers try to keep us on our toes. How else do you explain lines like "With his length and athleticism he is able to get straight to the hole and jam the ball." or "He penetrates, pulls out, and then drives right in again" Read the title of this blog if you think I'm joking. Basically, don't watch the tournament with a 12-year old boy. Of course then again if you are watching the tournament with a 12-yr old boy you are either a.) a father or b.) Michael Jackson. Let's not go there today.

Onward and upward...GO UCONN!!

2006-03-16T09:48:00.000-05:00

BOSTON SPORTS MEDIA & THE GOBLET OF KOOL-AID

Scratch me off the list. I don't buy it and I am not going to drink the Kool-Aid any longer.

While driving into work this morning I turned on WEEI. I realize EEI is anything but national in scope (though it may pretend to be) and is inundated with regionally biased talking heads. This is the reason for its success. So when you tune in, you know exactly what your getting. What I realize I have been getting in this offseason of baseball and football is poison. It is a gradual doping of the Boston sports fan. Through constant repetition and intimidation of detractors the Boston sports media has convinced Pats and Sox fans that there is a plan. I don't buy it and I ain't drinking the Kool-Aid even if its in 2004 Red Sox/Patriots Co-World Champion commemorative collector's cup.

Example 1
The Red Sox

It is widely believed that the Red Sox and the Globe meticulously control the dissemination of information about the team. I buy it. It is also interesting to note, that EEI is close to becoming part of this coterie with a deal to become the Red Sox exclusive broadcast partner. The dangers of such a partnership are as clear as Jerry Tarkanian coaching in Las Vegas.

Therefore, it should come as no surprise that when Theo left the team, many people rallied to his support. Others insisted that everything would be alright, that the peices for a big move were in place. For the most part both parties were right. In this case there appears there was "a plan".

I beg to differ. The Red Sox simply did what any other team would; they signed the best talent available. The Red Sox did not want Johnny Damon to leave. They attempted to resign him, but he left because he couldn't communicate with the front office. This was not part of "a plan". With Damon gone, the Red Sox were forced to immediately rally to find their best option. Without Theo in place they scrambled to assemble a team to orchestrate the moves. They did so. Coco Crisp is now in a Sox uniform and can sell cereal and Damon has tendinitis and can sell Tiger balm...but it was not part of "a plan". Sometimes things just work out for the best.

**If Theo takes any credit for any of this, I really hope he leaves again. If the situation with Lucchino was really that bad, he should have stayed away. If it really wasn't, he should have stuck it out and led his personnel. He lost alot of my respect (which really doesn't matter to him anyway).

Example 2
The Patriots

This is by far the most egregious example. The amount of blind faith stored in the Belichick/Pioli braintrust is astounding. As each major peice of the team peals off for the money offered in free agency, the Patriots seem content to rely on the draft to make up the lost personnel. This attitude simply doesn't work in a professional sports landscape where players don't value a championship ring as much as one with their intials spelled out in encrusted diamonds. In an NFL that has a market for players like Terrell Owens and Keyshawn Johnson, there is no room for loyalty. As admirable as the Patriots system is, I am not sure its working, despite people telling me to trust in "the plan". Here are some specific cases.

Last Year's Linebackers
-Faced with losing Bruschi and Ted Johnson the Patriot's sign Chad Brown and Monty Beisel. This results in teams being able to run right through the middle and throw over the top. This move was not an upgrade, it was not part of "a plan". It was seeing the best available free-agent talent and signing it. Neither of them was a skilled run-stopper and it showed. Claiming a move like this to be part of "a plan", invalidates the plan entirely.

David Givens
-Much like Patten before him, Givens left the system because he knew he could be a star receiver on another team. I don't have a problem with the Patriot's system, it seems to work. The Pats also seemed content to let him go because they were not willing to meet his cost. That is understandable too. I am still entitled to believe this sends a poor message overall.
Givens was an excellent possession receiver who picked up third downs and averaged 12.5 yards a reception. He fit perfectly into the Patriots offense and was a valuable distraction for teams who hoped to double team Branch. Who are they going to get to fill that void?
Additionally, it sends a message to other young free-agents in their prime, that says "Don't come to New England, they will pay you below your value for a short term contract and regardless of how well you play, will not even try to meet your value in contract negotiations."
The days of players giving up money to win rings is coming short, especially when its a player who is entering his prime, money-making years.

Willie McGinest
-Despite the fact that it would have been nice for the Pats to be as loyal as he was to them, there are bigger implications. McGinest was skilled linemen who still has some good years left. This year's draft and free-agent market isn't exactly bulging with deft veteran player who are equally as good at stopping the run and rushing the passer. This is a huge loss and is one, it seems, the Pat were all too willing to take. As teams stack up yards and pick up third and shorts against the revamped line, I will have a difficult time believing this was "a plan".

Vinatieri
-I don't even need to say his first name. He is that popular, that clutch, that consistent. To let him go would be a massive mistake. I am not big into comparing numbers but I know Vinatieri is not the "best" kicker in the NFL. But as we saw in this year's playoff, the "best" (Mr. Vanderjaagt)is not the most clutch (Mr. Vinatieri). Vinatieri is superhuman when the game is on the line and ball is at his feet. The Pats (so I have heard from EEI as justification) believe he is no longer useful on kick offs. Yeah, this makes sense, because its not like we could get a guy that can punt and do kick offs. If they let him go, I will be ripped.

Basically, I love this team. I loved those players. I sure didn't want to see them go. But, I am worried about the message. I know its a business, but as a consumer I will pay the extra five bucks to get my hair cut, if I like the guy thats cutting it (that sounds weird...I mean...) I will pay the extra five bucks for the neighbohood pizzaria's pizza instead of ordering Domino's. Its not always about price, its about quality. I think the Pats will be hardpressed to recover that quality.

I know they can't win it every year and they need to rebuild and re-stock, but these were also team players, that would have been great examples to build around. You don't tear down the old church and build the new one if you don't have a congregation to follow it. Right now, I am worried about the congragation coming together around the peices they have. Sure you can recruit new ones from the community, but with no one to teach them, where do they go, what do they learn?

More importantly once the new crop of players become leaders on the team, why should they stay if they know they will give you their best, without getting yours.

If this is what I am seeing from "the plan" of both the Sox and Pats, I'm not sticking around to mix the Kool-Aid. I love them both, but complicity is always dangerous and we must ask questions (kudos to George Clooney for giving me this idea). To assume that someone is so smart and so clever to manipulate all the factors involved in their favor is ludicoruse. So next time you hear someone say "you gotta believe in the plan", ask for some proof first.

2006-03-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

What's that Bracket

Here it is; the "holy grail" of brackets. Okay, I actually have two brackets and will list my two different Final Fours at the end. But here it is, as I see it.

Atlanta
-Duke beats Southern while G. W. handles a fiesty UNC-W squad. Duke beats GW to advance to play LSU who beat A&M, who previously had pulled off the 12-5 upset special, when McNamara got off his game. LSU matches up tough against Duke and Williams gets in foul trouble early. Davis and Thomas are too much for McRoberts and Paulus sees his first real full court press of the season. Duke folds under the pressure and LSU's savvy from close losses early in the season catapult them to victory.
-In the bottom of the bracket WVU survives a scare from the Salukis while Iowa overcomes Northwestern St., which is a university located in Louisiana actually. N.C. State's experience (Cameron Bannerman is a stud) is better than Leon Powe and the Bears and they meet with Texas in the second round. West Virginia's talent succeeds over an excellent Iowa squad to advance to the round of 16 against a Texas team that locked down N.C. State. Texas at this point overwhelms a crafty WVU team, despite the Mountaineers best efforts.
-In my regional final its LSU and Texas. Look for LSU to give them fits in the post, but Texas will prevail because of excellent guard play and more versatile big men. LSU is only a year away though from winning this game.

PICK: TEXAS

Oakland
-Coach Cal and Co. punch Oral Roberts in the first round and meet up with Arkansas, whose rough conference road to the tournament left them well prepared for anything Bucknell would throw at them. Pitt sends Kent St. packing and Kansas comes out determined against Bradley for the victory. Memphis overcomes a late push from Arkansas to advance and Pitt (in what may be an upset to some) beats Kansas with their Big East brains and braun. Pitt and Memphis meet up in the Eight and Pitt is simply too tough with Aaron Gray and the ever capable Carl Krauser. The game is close and ugly...therefore Pitt prevails.
-In what is another upset special Indiana, faulters against a Steve Fisher coached Aztec team, hell bent on giving the Mountain West some respect. The Zags get a challenge from Xavier, but overwhelm them with Batista inside and Morrison's perimeter skill. Bama and Marquette play a good one, but Steve Novak wills his team to the win and UCLA has too much talent for Belmont to stay in the building. In the second round, the Zags end Cinderella's night early and Marquette, still not ready to embrace a rainy Wisconsin spring, send UCLA back down the freeway. UCLA is another team that is a year away. Gonzaga and Marquette play tough and despite a valiant effort from Novak, he is a one-man show, as Morrison and the Zags advance.
-Bye Bye Gonzaga. They had a nice run but Pittsburg has the experience of playing against every type of team there is, via the Big Eas,t and they pull away late, despite Morrison's best heroics/theatrics.

PICK: PITT

Washington D.C.
-Uconn comes out quick and determined, putting away a cohesive Albany team early in the 2nd half. Kentucky learns its lesson from two years ago and hours of tape, and solves UAB's "40 minutes of hell". Washington, despite critiques, is prepared for Utah St. and talent wins over determination. Illinois beats Air Force with Dee Brown and Augustine**. In the second round, Uconn and Ketuncky play a good one, but Uconn pulls away late with their depth and talent. Washington and Illinois play another good game and Washington thanks to Brandon Roy pull off a bit of an upset. Husky v. Husky for the Eight and the ones from the east send the one's from the west on the red-eye.
**Air Force, playing with a chip on their shoulder from perceptions that they don't deserve to be in the field, could come out swinging and if they shoot well, could have an upset. I don't believe it, but the tournament is about making you believe.
-Down under, Michigan St.'s wily veterans beat George Mason, despite many low blows. UNC kings over Murray St. with Hansborough holding court. Seton Hall proves the Missouri Valley is just part of the Big East's dominion and Tennessee knows there is too much at stake by losing to Winthrop. In round two, Michigan St. and UNC tangle, with UNC coming out on top in a close one. Seton Hall takes Tennessee to the wire but Tennessee has the talent edge here, and they advance.** UNC and Tennessee, you see, matchup well, but Williams outcoaches Bruce Pearl, while Bruce Pearl outsweats Roy Williams. This results in UNC advancing.
**Of note, Louis Orr will have fallen one round short of a contract extension. In fact this bracket could be retitled, the Louis Orr Contract Extension Sweepstakes.
-In the regionals its Uconn v. UNC. Much like in 2002 with Maryland meeting Uconn (would have won in '03 with Butler), this is a game with one championship team and one team a year away from being a championship team. Uconn sweats this one out for the win.

PICK: UCONN

Minneapolis
-Villanova takes down Monmouth in the Battle of the East Coast Accents. Wisconsin veers a distracted Arizona team off their tournament road, and Nevada takes over against Montana. BC, carrying momentum from the ACC tournament smokes Pacific, while Michael Olowakandi watches (he has some time off believe it or not). Nova and Wisconsin meet up in the second round and Nova's team speed outclasses Wisconsin's...guts...yeah, thats it guts, and Nova wins. BC and Craig Smith bowl over Nevada although Nick Fazekas will have the chance to be the best NBA prospect from this game. Nova and BC dance in a Big East, hold on...change that a classic challenge. Nova proves a unique matchup for an athletic but slow BC team, and the Wildcats get the W.
-In the bottom, Oklahoma KO's Milwaukee, while Florida makes gator bait of South Alabama. Billy Donovan's hair is slicked back for this one and Joachim Noah has his in what can only be described as a bun. G'Town is ready for a tough No. Iowa team and Ohio St. is well versed in the tricks of conference vet Davidson. Both the Hoyas and Buckeyes advance. Oklahoma (0% graduation rate) sends its seniors home early this season without having them sell their books and write their professor's notes thanks to Florida's balanced attack. Georgetown stuns an Ohio State team by pacing themselves and putting together the same 40 minutes of basketball they used to beat Duke. Florida and the Hoyas tangle, the Hoyas lose their way early and Florida cruises.
-Elite Eight match of Nova and Florida. The two teams go back and forth while Jay Wright shows the camera's Blue Steel and Billy Donovan is still stuck on Magnum (Zoolander reference). The Gators ain't seen nothing like Nova all season and preparing for them and playing them are two different things. Nova causes them fits and they survive a late charge to win.

PICK: NOVA

Final Four
Texas v. Pitt
Texas matches Pitt's tenacious defense and intensity. Aldridge is too athletic for Gray early and gets him in foul trouble. Krauser does his best to keep them in the game, but Texas wins this one.

Uconn v. Nova
A truly great matchup. Uconn solves Nova though with their size, and although the score is close, Uconn has too many weapons once Nova is forced to play defense down in the blocks. Uconn, Calhoun, and the State of Connecticut wins.

Championship
I won't prognosticate this far. But I think Texas will be playing with less in the tank than Uconn at this point. Uconn will be sharp and on its game and Marcus Williams drops the dimes to give them the trophy...Point Tie Break: 153.

Don't ask why I feel this way. Reflecting on these picks I feel as if I have been too bold. I probably have. A fan of the game of College Basketball is also a student, and like all good students, I tend to over study. No matter what happens, I like Uconn to win it all.**
**I have never, ever picked against Uconn, nor would I ever consider it.

My less cerebral Final Four is as follows:
LSU UCLA
UCLA
UCONN UCONN UCONN
Florida

Enjoy the games!

2006-03-15T10:31:00.000-05:00

What Chris Chambers is Thinking Right Now:

Dear Diary,

My agent called and just told me the Dolphins signed Daunte Culpepper. This is good news I guess. Last year I had over 1,000 yards, 11 TD's and 82 receptions. I proved to be one of the bright spots on a team that had no hope. I am a key part of the Dolphins offensive schematic and I did it all with Gus Frerotte tossing me the ball. In '04 I signed a contract extension that will keep in Miami till '09.

From what I hear Culpepper is a great guy. He threw to Randy Moss in Minnesota and I guess he really likes going on the water, which is great what with the abundance of coastline in Southern Florida. Now that Ricky Williams might be gone for all of this season we need a guy that can put the ball in my hands and also scramble. Plus Culpepper will be fishing on his boat with friends on the off days, not channelling his shakras with mushrooms. I mean Michael Jenkins and the receiving core in Atlanta are just thriving with Vick at QB (have you seen their improvisational downfield blocking...I can't wait to learn!)

Scott Linehan my offensive coordinator was let go by the team. I am not too concerned. Structure in an offense is entirely overrated. We now have a QB who threw 12 interceptions and 6 touchdowns and is coming off knee surgery. But his ability to drive through defensive linemen on draw plays will pick us up those crucial third and shorts when we are at our own 10 yard line. Things are really looking up.

Basically this is the most awesome news of the off season. I am going to start my wind sprints so that I can be sure to catch up with the DB after Culpepper underthrows me by ten feet on my out route.

USA Needs Korea to Beat Japan

This is tremendous. We are counting on two countries (both of whom we waged war against) so that the US can advance. Personally I am not sure this is the best of possible worlds, if our only option as baseball fans is to cheer for the Koreans over the Japanese.

On Sunday the US looked like Duke playing in Cameron Indoor with Dick Vitale reffing the game. That's how biased some of the calls were. Even then, they could barely scratch it out against the Japanese and I suffered the rest of the day from uttering "Come on A-Rod" when he was up in the 9th. Despite the fact that he had the game winning hit, I felt cheap and used, truly a "kissing your sister" moment.

Now the WBC is about cheering against the Japanese and for Korea. I already do this for all of the baseball season anyways, cheering against the Yankees and for whoever they play. I am not going to start in March. It's Tourney time anyway. I have already wasted enough time on the WBC. I don't hope the US loses but it would kind of go in turn with the Hockey team, Basketball team, and every US sport other than Soccer. So at least we have that going for us. Where is South Africa when you need them?

2006-03-14T08:38:00.000-05:00

The Owl Flies By Midnight

John Chaney retired yesterday. Good.

Chaney's career was a combination of the progressive racial theories that brought down Nolan Richardson and the work ethic and coaching style of Woody Hayes. Chaney, on more than one occassion, played the irretrievable race card. A card that is simultaneously roundly loathed and yet embraced in our society. He hid behind it, using it to protect his job and bringing it on to the platform of the National Black Basketball Coaches Association. That said he was also a dying breed.

He was fiercly loyal to his school and players, surviving multiple administrations that upon his once-a-decade forays into the obscene, probably considered his ouster more than once. He was able to leave in his own time and with a shred of dignity. In an era of corrupt programs and coaches with abominable character flaws, he was a steady reminder of the old school. Even though it was really him just doing his job.

That said he was also a curmudgeon, an absolute hard ass who demanded the best from his players. He did this for the best and for the worst. The best was that his players would raise themselves from the suffering and poverty the defined their home communities, and be made into men who could give back. They received an education from a good school (I don't personally have their attendance records, but it is DI hoops, so they had to at least sign their name) and learned discipline and responsibility from a Hall of Fame coach. The worst was that it fostered a desire to win at all costs that often alienated Chaney from his peers. The defining moment was when Chaney inserted his self-described goon into the line-up, a move which resulted in a hard foul that broke an opposing players arm.

This dual existence of Chaney will define his career in many ways. He did not leave the way he wished although people will say differently. He would have loved one more A-10 title, or even a National Championship. Instead, he left because he knew it was time. The man who defined Temple basketball so well that he actually began to look like the mascot has flown off. He was a great coach and cruel task master, for better or for worse.

NCAA Picks coming up....

2006-03-13T08:40:00.000-05:00

My Christmas Morning

Some people get excited and can't sleep when they know that Santa Claus is coming. I get excited, sleep deprived, yet worked up into a pleasurable fever pitch about the NCAA tournament. Selection Sunday is my Christmas morning. I try to watch each major game throughout the season even enjoying some mid-major treats. I look at each team like I am going through a toy magazine, selecting everything from my new bike (the one seeds) to the stocking stuffers (seeds 14-16) to the inevitable new sweater (the 8 and 9's). When the selections are revealed, each one is special, and the bubble teams are like when you expected to get the sweater, but instead of coming from Aunt Milly (Cincinnati), it came from Uncle Hal (Air Force) instead.

That said there were some egregious mistakes made. Cincinnati should have been a lock. They had some key victories against the upper eschelon of the Big East and also played an solid road schedule. If anything, Seton Hall should have been in the 9-spot for Big East teams in the dance. However, you can't gripe too much. Althought they may not have given us the strongest field on the whole, I think each of these brackets are incredibly challenging to the 1 through 3 seeds alike.

Having looked at the brackets from the standpoint as a fan of college hoops, I think it offers a delectable platter of upsets and intriguing matchups and may be a glut of riches. However, if I am a fan of a one seed, which I am (UCONN), I am concerned.

On the surface, Duke has the easiest road with potential matchups with LSU, Syracuse in the Sweet Sixteen (althought Cuse might be my upset special against a streaking A&M team), with difficult possible games against W. Virginia and Texas in the bottom half.

Memphis may face a gritty Arkansas team in the second round, then Pitt or Kansas in the Sweet Sixteen, and then numerous difficult matchups given how stacked the bottom of their bracket is with Marquette, UCLA, and the Zags.

Uconn faces a good Albany team, which has one 11 of 13, but they should beat them. A potential matchup with either Kentucky or UAB in the second round could be their big test to see if they really are the team that everyone is predicting to cut down those nets in Indy. Compliment that with perhaps the strongest 4 seed, found in a tourney tested Illinois, or a prideful Washington squad in the Sweet 16, and they will be well challenged by the time they get to the Elite 8. There they will most likely matchup with UNC, Tennessee or Mich St. If they are the team the deserves the National Championship, they will certainly have earned it.

Nova has perhaps the toughest of all the one seeds. With a difficult second round matchup of either Zona or Wisconsin, the committee did them no favors. Then looking to the sixteen with possible draws against a sweet shooting Nevada team and a gut busting BC team, Nova will be well traveled upon reaching the elite eight. In the Eight they face a multitude of tough opponents because the lower half of the Mineapolis bracket is by far the most intriguing with two solid mid-majors taking on quality top conference foes.

The tournament will be a war and in so doing I am going to rename the rounds from Sweet Sixteen on:

Sweet Sixteen is now...Stealth Sixteen

THE REASON: Once you get to that round I firmly believe that with the exception of the inevitable Cinderella, any team could easily board a bus for Indy by Monday.

Elite Eight is now...Evil Eight

THE REASON: Once past the Stealth Sixteen all of these teams will look to bring their opponents to the ground. This is when you kick your opponent in the stomach with a three, after you came out with 10-0 run. No Mercy.

Final Four is now...Fatal Four

THE REASON: Simple enough. Its for all the marbles, its life or death, and only two teams will leave alive, but not unscathed.

The Championship...The Thunderdome

THE REASON: Two teams enter...One team leaves

OF NOTE: BC is a battle tested team that is dangerous. They gave Duke all they could handle and brought them a little Big East brawling. I really believe BC has a chance to reshape the way the ACC plays basketball. They play with a chip on their shoulder and showed no respect for the Duke mystique yesterday. Kudos to Hinnat for not taking Paulus's youthful exuberance lightly, BC knows that real basketball is played by men.

I have decided that I am not unhealthy about my obsession with College basketball. I prefer to be viewed as committed. All I know is that if I can be this committed to one thing that only occurs for six months of the year than it bodes well for all my other relationships. Although I may never change out of my bathrobe on weekends while watching the games, I give my all to the games and appreciating the efforts they put forth. The tournament isn't about wanting all your picks to be right, its about wanting the best games possible and watching the best teams advance. GO UCONN!

Bracket Picks tomorrow....

2006-03-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

Thoughts this morning...

First, a quick list of thoughts on Cuse's upset of Uconn...

1. Good for them, Uconn did not play their best and they exploited them. McNamara refused to lose that game and I think his teammates refused to lose it for him as well.

2. Uconn still can't play 40 full minutes of real basketball. When they do, there is no better team. For right now, it is scary to think what happens if their complacency surfaces again.

3. Ties right in with 2. Uconn doesn't seem to have anyone that will step on the opponents neck when they are down. They always open up those 10 point leads, but then seem to back off. Strategery? Nope, lack of quality losses. I think they got punched in the face in this game...a truly great team never lets it happen again.

4. Rudy Gay is killing me. I wouldn't care if he was just Rudy Gay from Baltimore, Maryland, but he's not. He is Rudy Gay, NBA's #1 Draft Pick, or Rudy Gay the most talented player in college hoops. Rudy, you have a six games to prove you are worth the hype. In the words of J.P. Losman, "Take your man pills."

5. Ultimately, this could be good for Uconn. The first truly close loss of the season has to leave a bitter taste in their mouth. This also might move to the #1 seed in either Oakland or Indianapolis. Calhoun likes going west, removes distractions and every year they have won, they come from the west.

6. All the pundits who reference that no team has ever won the national title after losing their first game in a conference tournament, are the same guys that said the Red Sox couldn't come back. See its all relative. Just because something hasn't been done before...doesn't mean it can't be done. The Red Sox did something much more difficult than what Uconn faces. I know that the talking heads have to say that, but still.

7. Not Rashad Anderson's fault. McNamara came at him like a locomotive. Sure Anderson may have taken half a step back, but if he takes half a step forward he probably makes contact with McNamara going up for the shot.

8. I think the Big East will get 8-9 teams in the dance. Its very possible Hall played themselves out, but I just don't see that, given that they have quality wins and tougher schedule than the other schools "on the bubble". Additionally, it is still hard to pick against Uconn. I think that the regular season has been a prelude to the tournament all year...they may come in as a revamped team from this loss.

9. I forgive Uconn for making me look like an idiot in the office yesterday. I have my hat pulled tightly over my head and on defense I rub the front "Uconn" logo and the back Husky logo, constantly with my right hand. It is my invocation to the basketball gods and started by mistake during the 2003 baseball season. Needless to say, I nearly singed my scalp due to the stress of yesterday's game. However I did have my trusty fans (my dad and my bud Chris) giving me a running update. Go Huskies!

MCGINEST RELEASED BY PATS

In all honestly, this may have pissed me off worse than the Uconn loss. You see, we constantly hear people talk about the problem with sports is loyalty. The usual gripe is that the players aren't loyal to the teams that pay them. I can see this in some instances, but I accept that America and the NFL (once you get beyond the unions) are free markets, where a player and person are free to evaluate their own worth. The beauty is, that your employer, if they discover you are doing this, also aren't contractually obligated to retain your services anymore. So when TO throws his fit, I am fine with it as long as he is.

But to release a guy that has been a franchise stalwart for you is ludicrous. I understand they will release him in the hopes of cutting the cap space (a relatively unnecessary 7 million) and then re-sign him. I also know (via living in Boston) that this will get dismissed as all part of Pioli's and Belichick's plan. However, where is the loyalty!

McGinest is a great team player and deserves to retire as a Patriot if he chooses to do so. I have never heard a peep from him of seeking a trade of any of the other BS that players use to leverage their bargaining positions. If he wants to be here, his remaining contract should be honored and the Pats should re-sign him to a deal that allows him to remain a Patriot. After 12 years of service, the Patriot's owe him that much. I truly hope their gambit succeeds and they are able to re-sign him, but for right now, I am pretty pissed. I never want to hear anyone say there is no loyalty in professional sports, because its not new anymore. It has become an institutionalized facet of the establishment of professional sports. To be any sort of professional sports fan, you have to accept that the "no loyalty" clause is active on both sides of the fence.

2006-03-09T10:58:00.000-05:00

Boeheim drops the F-Bomb

Not sure why this shocked me so much, but after yesterday’s game and McNamara’s otherworldly game winner, Boeheim used and F Bomb and said criticism for Cuse’s student newspaper about McNamara “is the bullshit thing he has seen in 30 years”. This was completely different side of Boeheim. I should have seen it coming given that anyone that is friends with Jim Calhoun must be able to weave a strand of profanity here and there, but it just seemed so weird. It would be like Jack Nicklaus tossing his putter into a lake and saying “F*ck off” to a fan. Out of place, but I’m glad he did it. I have intimate knowledge of the area McNamara comes from, and let me tell you, not only can he drain a three, he also probably can taste the difference between Piels and Keystone, can make Ice Cream by milking the goat in the back of his house, and lived in a house that is either painted bright green or pale blue (I say green). He also probably can find you a place to get crack…Welcome to Scranton!

On another note, has there ever been a funnier pairing of people than Boeheim and McNamara. They are perhaps the best matched pair, but just look (and I stress look) out of touch with the world of college basketball. I would not be shocked to pull over the side of the road in Idaho looking for direction and see Jim Boeheim come out of the house in overalls and instruct me that its “Right over that there mountain, hang a left by the feed pens, and there you are.” Meanwhile Gerry comes out of the potato fields and says, “Pa, whose this?”. I am not sure where to go from there, but suffice it to say, they are throw backs.

2006-03-09T08:15:00.000-05:00

SERENITY NOW

Deep breaths, be calm. The world has not ended.

US 6-Canada 8

This really happened and my question is, "who gives a damn?"

The WBC is an overblown tournament of pseudo baseball nations, in which only four teams really have legitimate chance of winning. Dominican, US, Puerto Rico, and Venezuala...maybe Cuba but I don't think I can write that in the US, what with the embargo and such. Honestly though, the WBC has the legitimacy of plastic surgeon from the U of G (University of Guadalajara), he is a professional but doesn't exactly have the best training.
Think about it; the US isn't nearly fielding the best team that it could. What they have done is exactly what US hoops thought they could do...take some wiley veterans, a few stars, and some youth, and we have a team. Not so mon frere. This is why I advocate the Pistons simply going over to play the international competition (I am not naive enough to believe this will happen, but it would be nice).
Albeit, the field for American talent is watered down. Half the available Americans are playing for teams like Italy, the Netherlands, and Australia. Okay not half, but a good amount. These are not baseball nations either. Look at the lingo section of the Australian team's ESPN site (http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/worldclassic2006/news/story?id=2291225). Those sound more like cricket terms to me.
So don't hang your head low...we lost to Canada. We should not have lost to Canada, but we did. And you know what? It's okay. We blew a game to Canada. Its not like when USA hoops lost to Puerto Rico or the Miracle Ice. Those upsets occurred against competition that primarily played professionally in other countries than the US. If we lost to Japan or Korea, then get pissed and allow the writers to prognosticate the demise of the US baseball superpower. But as long as the Canadians have to lose money off the exchange rate to make the American buck, playing the American game, don't sweat it.
Additionally, the tournment (althought entertaining) is still a fraud. People in over half that participating countries don't care. This is not an Olympic sport, not even a World Cup-esque event. People in South Africa aren't staying up all hours of the night to see their team get smoked by Mexico. Heck, half of Canada was as likely to have watched the game last night, as they are to turn off the Maple Leafs to watch the Raptors. Baseball, isn't even as big in the US. Football and basketball are the 800-lb gorillas now. The time for the WBC to capture the world's attention has come and gone, and its debatable if it was ever there in the first place.
The only thing the WBC has proved to me is that American imperialism is still alive and well. We started baseball and gave it to the world. They play baseball because we invented it, gave it its wings and let each country run with it. Some have succeeded more than others. I don't think the Dutch were exactly breaking the door to enter the global baseball community, but who knows.
Regardless, don't sweat the WBC game in which the Americans lost to the Canadians. As far as the Australians are concerned, I don't think they saw the American blocker's hit over the wickets in the 6th dig. And if Chase Utley had taken his race horse steroids yesterday morning with his wheaties, I probably would have never written this column. Don't worry about it, nobody else does.

FYI...Even with Seton Hall's loss last night, Big East should still get a minimum of 8. Hall has enough big wins in a tough conference to get in.

2006-03-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

Pretty Much the Best Way to Get Divorced In March

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=5939&TrackingID=516311&amp;amp;BannerID=562427&menuid=6&GT1=7871

In a word this article is ridiculous. A woman, touting that she knows the best ways to "bond" over March Madness, offers ideas for women (and the occassional ambiguous man) to avoid the pratfalls of college basketball and come together.

Here are her suggestions:

1. Place Your Bet: Here she encourages the partner of the fan to wager sexual favors if their team wins.
BAD IDEA: This doesn't work. For most men basketball is basketball, sex is sex. It is not women's tennis where these two opposite worlds collide. The last thing the man wants to think when there is .9 left on the clock and the team's trifecta ace is on the floor is lighting candles and putting on "your favorite mood music". Plus, call me crazy, but if you are wagering sexual favors in the first place then your relationship is probably already in the shitter.

2. Make Time for Each Other: This encourages the women to pick the other days of the weekend to do something for her.
BAD IDEA: March Madness is a Thursday through Sunday celebration of all things hoops. No where is there an art show or a ballet mentioned, because, there simply is no time. All men are asking for is 10 days out of the year to watch basketball. Persuade your mate that this is actually "making time for each other": You have time to watch basketball...she has time to go to the art show.

3. Let Him Pout: This encourages women to allow their men to be upset for extended periods of time in some cases alone.
(not such a) BAD IDEA: She suggests doing something physical to take their mind off it. This does not work if your team just got upset by 14 seed in the second round by a bouncing three pointer at the buzzer. This will take weeks to get over. Something will be missing from his life until baseball season, or even in some severe cases, football season comes around. Going to pick out drapes at the Home Depot (she actually suggests this) will not assuage the pain. Nor will taking a bike ride, which will only refocus his pain to his testicles.

4. Give In: Sit and watch the game...ask him questions to help him let you understand.
BAD IDEA: Yes, because the point of the tournament is to educate your mate on the intricacies of the zone defense, shot blocking techniques, and the half court trap. For other feelings on this see number 2.

5. Show Your Spirit: Cheer on the team your man is cheering for!
BAD IDEA: Other than the author referencing a man who shuns college hoops in favor of hockey, and therefore must be Canadian, this only works on certain level. Cheer for...not against. Share in his joy if they win. Occasionally high-five. But if you really start to cheer and go nuts, especially during key moments, then you become a detractor from his serene enjoyment of the game. Be an enabler, but don't be an addict.

6. Wear the Team Colors: Self-Explanatory
BAD IDEA: Not an awful idea...Except that she suggest you have sex after the game. I suggest you have buffalo wings...Think about having sex..And then have a beer.

7. Feed the Beast: This guy cooks dinner while watching the game.
BAD IDEA: First read the explanation...Then explain to me why you cannot have dinner (have her cook or order out) while watching the game. He also lights candles for the dinner, and then there are the two of them talking. This is possible, but in most cases he is talking about how much enjoyed watching the game and how if you finish that last bite right now he can get back to catch the west coast game.

8. Get Physical: This suggests a pre-game rub down.
BAD IDEA: This could lead to a pre-game throw down. A big fan is totally focused, tunneled in on the game for the whole time. Relaxation is only brought on by beer and food. However, its not a totally bad idea. Massages are nice, but not right before a game. If she doesn't understand your fanaticism by now, she never will.

9. Host a Team Meeting: Ask your mate about the game as a means to lead to "deeper" conversation.
BAD IDEA: Perhaps the dumbest idea ever. If she did watch the game this may have snowball's chance in hell to work. This conversation is going to be entirely one-sided anyways. If it was a loss most of his answers will consist of "Well it doesn't matter now!" or some profanity laced, but brief explanation. If they win, his euphoria will deafen him to your questions and although he will respect you for asking, he will probably respond with "Hey, a win's a win baby."

10. Create game central: Decorate and prepare a great place to watch the game...together.
BAD IDEA: SEE 1-9. Additionally, the only thing he cares about is how big is the TV and will he have a seat. All else is superfluous. If you are doing all the planning that is great...but chances are he could watch it in a Siberian gulag as long as he had clear picture, didn't have to listen to Vitale, and a nice seal skin stool to sit on.

I will tackle this genre of women's advice columns later and there overusage of quotes. For now...I think I have said enough. I need to now work myself up into a orgasmic froth about the Big East tournament.

2006-03-08T08:08:00.000-05:00

Bye, Bye Barry? He's Just Playing Barry-Ball!

First off, I do not think Barry Bonds will retire amidst the new allegations that he took steroids. Barry Bonds could be standing alone in the middle of a stadium with thousands calling him a cheat and he would calmly reply "I did not cheat". Barry Bonds lives in Barry Bonds' world...not yours. Barry Bonds only cares about Barry Bonds' records and being in his own hall of fame. One writer (the exhaustive Tim Kirkjian) is not going to determine how Barry Bonds views himself and what he has done. In Barry Bonds' mind he did not damage the game, he helped his own, a brand of chicanery and deciet known as Barry-ball.
That said what needs to take place to avoid further damage to the game. The writer's and all those that vote for the HoF need to take on an attitude similar to the prevailing "shareholder activism" seen on Wall Street. They need to value their votes as shares in a company, in this case their shares in upholding the reputation of the game. Since it does not appear that MLB will do anything to strip Bonds of his records, the writers must. By refusing to elect him to the HoF they can essentially strip his records from him, and illegitimize his career and the numbers that put him there. Barry Bonds circa 1998 was a Hall of Famer, but he is no different than the Barry Bonds circa 2006, and you cannot pick just one. If the writer's do vote him in, then they leave MLB no leg to stand on and it will represent a passive acceptance of the steroid era across the board.
If they elected Bonds to the HoF it would totally void the framework of the Pete Rose suspension. How could Bonds be in the HoF when the evidence of his indiscretion is now tatamount to that of Rose's? I never thought I would say this, but in this instance, doesn't Rose become the lesser of two evils. According to the evidence, he committed his crimes as a manager, not a player. No one has ever wanted Rose in the HoF as a manager. However, Barry Bonds committed all of his crimes against baseball (and the fans) as a player. Voting Bonds in would essentially void any significance given to the HoF, so therefore, why stop Pete Rose from getting in.
On a less baseball related note...I am not a doctor but from my knowledge of performance enhancing drugs, I would be surprised to see Bonds live another 12-15 years after his retirement. His regimen is killing him. HGH has boosted his bones and his mass so that they can carry all the muscle he puts on in the gym. However, organs do not grow at the same pace. Additionally, by refusing to cycle, he is upping his body's tolerance for the steroids and in order for him to maintain and build, without losing, he must continue to up his intake. The body cannot take this damage and will inevitably fail. However, I am sure Barry Bonds will say it wasn't steroids that killed him, it was somehow the writers.
These allegations aren't that surprising. What is surprising is how detailed they are. They include his regimen in a spreadsheet format, his exact words and quotes, and the testimony of everyone in his inner professional circle from '98-'06 (note HIS inner professional circle). Everyone had a pretty good idea Bonds was a racist. It is not shocking he longed to be embraced like Sosa and McGwire had been, and that fueled his jealousy. One thing is for sure, Bonds was not using steroids to increase his stamina in the bedroom or the size of his package.
Bonds is an asshole. This probably won't force him out. He will cop a lame excuse once injury provides one. He will disappear and become a recluse. Unlike Rose he will never recant and admit his transgressions against baseball. I believe he will always feel he has done the right thing...not for baseball of course, but for Barry-ball.

2006-03-07T12:59:00.000-05:00

Adam Morrison

Dear Adam Morrison,

Congratulations on being the new "great white hope". I think you will succeed. All the credits and accolades belong to you. You will actually succeed to a degree in the NBA unlike Redick. I appreciate your style of play, intensity during the game and scoring prowess. Additionally, I salute you for playing at Gonzaga, a good school with a program that is nationally known (despite playing in the WCC).
However I do have one objection. Could you please stop with the self-congratulatory love fest after a season of beating much lesser opponents? It is tremendous how much you care and how competitive you are and that makes you great. But your celebrations often seem to occur at the expense of your opponents.
Adam, I realize you may consider Gonzaga a mid-major, but no one else does...so stop acting like it. You are supposed to win your conference title. You are supposed to beat Loyola Marymount. This is not an occassion to whup it up and hoot and holler when you beat them by 1. The celebration in these instances seems almost as inappropriate as a Billy Grammatica extra-point air leap. You are supposed to be doing these things.
I understand it was your last home game, in a post-season tournament that took place on your home court. But, seriously clapping and going nuts because a fellow on the other team blew the easiest shot of his life (one that would have won the game), is no reason for gratuitous celebration. It actually more of an "oh shit" moment, when you realize you almost got beat by a team that went 12-18.
Here is my suggestion. Act like you were supposed to win, that you tried your hardest to do so, and realize you were fortunate to. Take a bow, hug your teammates, wave to the fans, and then shake your opponents hands. They were gracious in defeat, you should be in victory. When the cards are so stacked in your favor (you are ranked #4, playing a sub-500 team at home), this is the only appropriate reaction. Hang out all you want afterward...hell go in the stands and thank the students, hug you parents, etc. Just not right after the game. I thought you had just won the Nobel Prize, NCAA Championship, and found out you were the number one pick all at once. I was wrong. What you really did was your job. Won a game you should have won, secured your team a seed in the NCAA's and performed well. Give this a try, for all of us that want to cheer for you instead of Redick.

Thanks.

2006-03-07T11:53:00.000-05:00

Kirby Puckett...dead at 44

This is sad news, can't explain it much better than that.

When I was younger I remember watching him play and given his physical stature, I think he gave hope to a alot of kids that weren't 6 feet, 170 lbs, by eighth grade. He played with his heart and was a cerebral hitter that from all accounts, also happened to be a tremendous teammate. However, it is evident he was a tortured soul, both during his career and after. It should be no secret that professional athletes often lead "double lives". Removed from macro-markets like New York, L.A., Boston, Chicago, etc., its probably a little easier to live such a life in Minneapolis.
A society figure, such as Puckett became in Minneapolis, has a reputation considerably more difficult to impinge upon than others. Was he abusive to women? It seems so. Did he urinate in mall parking lots? Possibly. Did he threaten those around him? Yes.
I cannot begin to understand the troubles he encountered as a former athlete, or even a current one. Once the skills start to slide, especially as drastically as Puckett's did once diagnosed with glaucoma, one has to assume that a huge part of who that person once was is lost. The struggle to redefine one's worth in retirement is faced by people every day. Athlete's rarely ever retire on their own terms and Puckett certainly follows this suit. To struggle with that, while facing what you once were, perhaps was too much for him.
It is clear he put on a significant amount of weight after his career (not that he was ever described as slim to begin with). However, now that he is gone the baseball world has lost a star. In remembering his legacy, I will remember him as a player. I did not know Puckett personally, or the demons that pushed his behavior to the obscene, but as a human I can sympathize with his struggles. Regardless of which was the "real" Kirby Puckett anyone's death should be offered some degree of dignity.